The ABC's of growing up
by kapers in pink
Summary: A series of stand alone shorts using a letter of the alphabet as a prompt. Usually from the point of view of an important character from the series.
1. A is for Afraid

A is for Afraid.

She was afraid. More then afraid, she was terrified. So many thoughts were racing through her head; she hardly had time to process any of them.

As she held her younger sister as tightly as she could, she prayed that Ryan would reach the top in time. She prayed that Johnny would listen to reason and follow Ryan down. She prayed that this would not end in tragedy, as so many aspects of her life had.

She was afraid of her feelings, afraid of what they meant. Ryan had given her an ultimatum; until she figured out what her feelings were for Johnny, he wasn't going to see her. She was afraid of losing Ryan, the one person who kept her sane. She was afraid of losing Johnny, the first person to tell her that it was okay to not want to go to college.

She could hear Johnny yelling, but she couldn't understand what he was saying. Or maybe she could understand, but she was afraid to listen. Deep down, she knew what was happening, and she knew it was her fault that Johnny was stumbling around on the top of a cliff fucked up beyond belief.

She was afraid that everything was her fault.

She was afraid of the truth.

Her world stopped when she heard Johnny scream and glass break. She turned her hair away, afraid to look at the mangled body of her best friend lying at the base of the rocky cliff. She was afraid to look up at Ryan, hanging over the edge, empty hand grasping at the air.

She was afraid for Johnny's life.

She was afraid of what would happen to her if she lost him.


	2. B is for Boobs

B is for Boobs

"You're the boobs." Seth said as they walked down the LA street.

It hurt. His words jabbed at her heart. Is that all she was good for? Being pretty and having a nice rack?

Sure, she could be a little super facial at times, and slightly materialistic, but she liked to think she had a brain. And she had thought that Seth believed so too. But maybe he didn't. Maybe he was only with her because he was smarter then her and she made him feel good about himself.

She smiled at Seth and laughed as he but his arm around her.

On the outside, she acted like everything was perfect, like she always did.

On the inside, her heart broke a little more.


	3. C is for Change

C is for Change

Everything in her life was changing. No matter how hard she tried, there was nothing she could do to stop it.

It all started with the Cohen's "cousin from Boston." She knew there was something about him when she first saw him, but she couldn't quite place what it was. After leaving with Luke, she didn't give a second thought to the brief conversation they shared in the driveway.

And that was when she first started to notice the changes. The way Luke was behaving, how shallow Summer had grown up to be, how manipulative her mother was, that her father was a thief. That was also when she first really noticed Seth Cohen. She had lived next door to him almost her entire life, but she knew nothing about the tall lanky boy. And for the first time in her life, she actually felt remorseful.

And that was when the changes hit her like a ton of bricks.

Luke cheating on her in TJ.

Her overdose.

Summer and Seth.

It was all too sudden, too fast, too overwhelming.

But there was nothing she could to do stop it.


	4. D is for Drunk

D is for Drunk

She knew the moment Volchok handed her that flask that it was the beginning of the end. The end of her relationship with Ryan, the end of her friendship with Summer, the end of her suffering after Johnny's death.

She knew the moment that first sip touched her lips that it was the beginning of something new. Something about Kevin moved her. He was a rebel, but he seemed to have a heart deep down somewhere beneath the rough exterior. The way he had taken care of her after the incident at the model home. How he had returned the watch she had traded him, even though he could have gotten thousands of dollars for it at a pawn shop. The way he always managed to show up when she felt so alone.

She knew the moment that first swig burned its way down her throat that there was no turning back. All she cared about now was getting drunk.

All she cared about was numbing the pain. Trying to forget that Johnny had died, that Ryan had moved on so quickly with Sadie, that her at Summer were fighting; Trying to forget that everyone at school still looked at her as the girl who shot someone.

All that mattered now was the flask in her hand.

Nothing else mattered to Marissa except for getting drunk.


	5. E is for Easy

E is for Easy

"If you have to work this hard, it's not working." He said to her, before walking back to his car.

She knew he was right.

She knew that if they were meant to be, it would be easy. Much easier then it was. She had imagined a caring, loving, truthful relationship. She had really fallen for that girl. And that was what hurt the most.

Love should be easy. Marissa shouldn't be lying to her all the time.

Part of her knew this was just a phase, and that Marissa was doing it to piss her mother off. But another part of her wanted to believe that Marissa really cared for her.

She though back on the conversation she had with Julie the night Marissa had told her she was staying at her moms. She really was that weeks' yard guy. The icing on the cake; Julie's comment on how Marissa had only been in love once, and that he looked a whole lot different in a wife beater.

The warning signs had all been there, but she refused to see them. The lies, her quest to make her mother miserable, Ryan.

Ryan.

No matter how hard she tried, she wasn't Ryan. And that pissed her off. Marissa was **her** girlfriend. Ryan had broken up with **her**. Ryan had broken her heart.

But Marissa and Ryan were just one of those couples that were always going to be a couple.

It would be easy to give up. To tell Marissa it wasn't working; to break up with her before she got her own heart broken.

But Alex wasn't a big fan of easy.


	6. F is for Fool

F is for Fool

A fool, that's what he was. Every time he let his guard down, let her in again, she made a fool out of him.

First it was Luke. Then Oliver. The yard guy, Alex, Trey, Johnny, and now Volchok.

He had tried to move on with other girls. He had gone back to Teresa for awhile, dated Lindsay, and then Sadie. But he always thought of her, always went back. Like a moth to a flame. He couldn't stay away.

The saying goes that wise men say only fools rush in. And that's what he did. From the moment he first laid eyes on her at the base of the Cohen's driveway, there was something about her; something irresistible. She was beautiful, and not in the fake California blonde kind of way. She had a natural air about her.

And she talked to him.

One of the only girls in Newport who wasn't repulsed by the fact that he was from Chino, and that he was poor.

But he had made a fool out of him for the last time. Once she got involved with Volchok, he was done. He was done saving her, done being there the moment disaster struck her life. Done being involved with Marissa Cooper.

Because every time he let her in, she broke his heart a little more.


	7. G is for Gun

G is for Gun

She had shot someone.

She had picked up a gun, pointed it, and willingly shot someone.

The sound still rang in her ears if she closed her eyes for too long. The smell of the burning gunpowder still lingered in her senses. The look on Trey's face when he turned to look at her before falling to the ground was permanently etched into her memory

Hurt.

Betrayal.

Fear.

After that moment, everything started to spin. She didn't remember falling to the floor as Summer and Seth arrived. She didn't remember Ryan walking over to her, laying a hand on her shoulder to used her for support. She could vaguely hear the sound of the sirens and the police officers shouts as they ordered the four to stay where they were.

She was focused on the look on Ryan's face.

Hurt.

Betrayal.

Fear.

She had shot his brother, after all.

The gun lay abandoned on the floor, and for a second Marissa wondered why Trey, a felon, was in possession of a gun anyway, before being lead out of the apartment by the police.


	8. H is for Heart

H is for Heart

"You can't let her steal your heart."

The words seemed to spill from her mouth. She hadn't intended to say it; it just happened. Just like she just happened to be hanging out with Alex so much, and just like she happened to make excuses to stop by the bait shop.

Everything was just… happening. And she didn't know what to do, how to stop it, or if she even wanted to stop it.

There was something about the blonde that intrigued her; something about her that made it impossible for Marissa to stay away.

She knew that in her heart, she still loved Ryan. She probably always would. But at this moment, her heart was telling her something completely different.


	9. I is for Insomnia

I is for Insomnia

He couldn't sleep. No matter what he did, or how hard he tried, it just wouldn't happen.

Part of it was the pain of knowing that Marissa was dead.

Another part of it was the anger of knowing that Volchok was still out there somewhere.

And Taylor wasn't helping.

He knew what she was doing. He knew what she had planned.

But he wasn't ready.

Taylor was pretty. No, she was beautiful.

But she wasn't Marissa. And she knew that.

She knew he was troubled. She knew he was emotionally unavailable. But she still tried. She still wanted him. She wanted to help him, to heal him.

But he just wasn't ready.

He lay in bed as the minutes ticked by. The soft glow of the clock illuminated a portion of the room.

And no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn't sleep.


	10. J is for Joke

J is for Joke

It was all a joke; a sick, cruel, twisted joke.

Any minute, Marissa would come walking through the bathroom that had connected their rooms, sit down on her bed, and they would have a good laugh over the joke.

Marissa wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead.

She needed her too much.

It was all just a nightmare; a figure of her imagination. Ryan wouldn't let Marissa die.

But the joke was on her.

Marissa **was** dead. Ryan **let** her die.

And she was angry. She was livid. She was destroyed.

Marissa had been her best friend since the 5th grade. They had done everything together, been through everything together. If it hadn't been for Ryan showing up, none of this would have happened.

She and Marissa would be going off to college together, somewhere sunny; Hawaii perhaps.

She would not be here, preparing for a funeral for the best friend she had ever had.

A light knock shocked her out of her thoughts. Wiping the last few tears from her face, she went and unlocked the door. She didn't open it. If it wasn't Marissa, she didn't care.

The door slowly opened, and a blonde boy walked in.

It was not who she was expecting, and the last person she wanted to see.

"You." She said, barely able to talk.

"Summer." He said quietly, taking a step further into the room.

"This is all your fault!" She screamed. Or at least she tried to scream. It came out hardly louder then a whisper.

"I know." He said, looking directly at her.

She was not expecting him to take the blame.

Deep down, she knew it wasn't really his fault. She knew it was Volchok who had run them off the road. She knew that Ryan would have done everything in his power to save Marissa. That's what Ryan did. He saved Marissa.

"No, you don't know. She was my best friend. And you killed her!" This time her voice was a little louder, a little stronger.

She was being irrational, but she didn't care. She needed someone to blame.

He didn't say anything to her. He looked away. And that pissed her off even more.

"If it wasn't for you, this never would have happened. And it would be Marissa in hear instead of you." She continued, her voice growing louder.

The tears welled again behind her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

He still refused to look at her, choosing instead to stare into the open room that used to be hers.

"You should have died in that accident, not her."

That wasn't true.

At that point he looked up at her. She could see the unshed tears glistening behind his blue eyes.

The tears he never shed.

She had cried so much that she couldn't believe she still had more to release. But he hadn't cried at all. She could see it in his face. She could see the guilt, the sadness, the misery. And it enraged her even more.

"Do you even care? Do you even care that she's dead?"

She took another step closer to him. At this point, she was standing less then 6 inches away from him. And all she wanted to do was hit him.

And she did.

The force of her hand caused his head to snap to the side.

She was angry. She was hurt. She was devastated. And she wanted him to feel it too.

"Of course I care." He said softly. So softly, she barely heard him. "I care more then you know."

The tears were threatening to fall again, and she had little energy to stop them.

Before she knew what she was doing, she flung herself into him, wrapping her arms around his waist as the sobs racked her body.

She barely noticed his arms wrapping around her shoulders, his head resting on top of hers.

And she felt tears. Not just her own, which were steadily flowing down her cheeks, but the little drops that were falling on top of her head.

She felt his body start to shake as he finally gave into the emotions he had been bottling up inside since the accident.

And she knew it wasn't a joke.

Marissa was really gone.


	11. K is for Kind

K is for Kind.

She was only being kind.

She was being a friend.

And he had mistaken that for something more. In all honestly, he had hoped that there was something more.

Marissa Cooper was a perfect girl. She was sweet, kind, and an absolute train wreck. She was so completely imperfect that it made her perfect. It made her real. It made her, in her world of fancy cars, designed brands, and beautiful people, easy for him to relate to. It made her real. She was unbelievable beautiful, and part of her beauty was her imperfections.

But she was kind. She was the nicest person he had ever known; the only friend aside from Chili to truly care for him.

And he had to admit, she was a hell of a lot better looking then Chili.

She was so far out of his league that he knew it was impossible for her to feel the same way he did. A part of him hoped, whished, even prayed, that one day she would return his feelings.

But for right now, she was only being kind.

And he knew that.


End file.
